Cancel the Oscars, Here’s “Battleship” the Movie
Sure adapting the classic board game Battleship for a movie seemed a little strange, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the movie would be a WWII naval extravaganza like Pearl Harbor (without sucking), or some Cold War ear Hunt For Red October with more explosions and less Alec Baldwin. Nope.
Now that some trailers are available it’s clear that “adapted’ is the wrong word, “mangled” is more accurate.
Judging a movie by the trailer is typically a bad idea, but this is clearly the proverbial exception. This dreck looks like someone dumped Battleship (the game) and Transformers 2 into a Blendtec Blender for a rousing game of “Will It Blend?” The answer is, yes, it will blend, but I wouldn’t recommend drinking it.
That trailer looks like it was yanked from Michael Bay’s porn collection.
I dub thee, Battleshit.
(Image via IMDB)
Breaking News: Shia LaBeouf to Destroy More Childhood Classics
Shia LaBeouf is reportedly signing a multi-picture deal to wreck classic television and film franchises.
Ninja Turtles
LaBeouf appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night and announced that he will be starring in the live action sequel of the Ninja Turtles.
“It’s a continuation of the live action movies from when I was a kid,” LaBeouf explained. “It’s set like 15 years after they visited ancient Japan, and you find out that April and Raphael like… had a kid. He joins the team, but instead of using old-timey weapons, the kid uses like big guns.” LaBeouf went on to tell the audience that he will be playing all of the leading roles, except for April who will be played by Rose McGowan. “I’m going to be like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor, but with lots of fighting and explosions.”
More in the Works
When the ever-exuberant Fallon asked him if he had anything else in the works, LaBeouf told the audience that he had been tapped by a collection of directors and producers to star in a wide variety of sequels and remakes of classics. He is reportedly in talks to play Cade Skywalker, Luke’s grandson in Star Wars Episode X (Lucas is reportedly skipping ahead three episodes again).
LaBeouf concluded, “We’re also looking to create modern versions of ThunderCats, The Masters of the Universe, Voltron, and I’d really like to sink my teeth into some heavier material like Blade Runner, and Isaac Asimov’s Foundation Series. The opportunities to completely destroy these stories are pretty endless.”
Later that evening Michael Bay tweeted:
“Shia’s going to play Doug in my live action remake of the Nickelodeon show. Wait until you see the guns we have for him.”
“Shia’s good looks, and endless confidence make it easy to ignore the fact that he can’t act. When you’re producing or directing a property like the Ninja Turtles, Indiana Jones or Star Wars, you know that the tickets are going to sell regardless of quality, so good looks and confidence are all we really need,” said Steven Spielberg.
(Image)
BumbleBee KOed & Optimus Prime Glamour Shots
Transformers 3 is filming in Washington, DC.
This soon to be classic [sarcasm] had a bumpy day of filming on Monday when a police SUV unwittingly sped into the movie set with lights flashing and sirens screaming. The end result is unexpected.
Knowing Michael Bay, he will probably have his effects department throw a few explosions into the scene and include it in the movie.
I have to hand it to Chevy, that police SUV took the beating like a champ. Unfortunately Bumblebee/ the Chevy Camaro was not as well-constructed.
Everyone walked away from the accident.
In related news, a TGW reader who wishes to remain anonymous (he doesn’t want “the man” to know what he’s up to) visited the Transformers’ DC set and took some pictures of Optimus Prime.
The Transformers 2 Test
“What is the ‘Transformers 2 Test?’”
I’m so glad you asked.
Have you ever received a movie recommendation from someone who’s taste is either unknown or questionable?
Of course you have.
When approached with a questionable movie recommendation, you need to have a quick and easy way to determine whether this person’s suggestion is worth the time it takes to look at the reviews, or put it on your Netflix cue. The solution is the “Transformers 2 Test.”
Image from HopeWhen Mag
All you have to do is ask the suggester, one simple question:
“What is your opinion on Michael Bay’s Transformers 2?”
If the suggester responds with anything short of, “Transformers 2 was terrible,” then don’t watch anything that he/she suggests.
Remember, there is no defense for Transformers 2. None.
Why Transformers 2, and not some other bad movie?
For this test to work, you need a movie that has the following traits:
- No coherent plot
- No substantive, believable, or remotely relatable characters
- Actors who are completely devoid of charisma
- It can’t be so bad it’s good/ funny
- Mainstream success on the level that a lot of people actually saw it
This excludes:
- Battlefield Earth because John Travolta and Forest Whitaker have charisma
- Gigli because no one saw it
- Commando/ Missing in Action/ Every other 80s action movie because they are so bad they are funny
And that’s why Transformers 2 is the test.
Cybergeddon is upon us!!
Ahh, fear-mongering at it’s finest.
I read the news. Daily. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes with depressing yourself by reading about how messed up the whole g-d world is. Exhilarating almost. So, at 1:46 am, eastern standard time, I’m amazed that current events like the Gaza conflict, Japan’s recession, Darfur and heck, the first cat India dying, the FBI would like us to believe that we should really care about cyber wars. Really? Sure, you admit that this worry comes after nuclear war and weapons of mass destruction, but really?
If there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m pretty sure I wont be checking my email worrying about trojans in my FREE XXX PORN emails.
I get what they’re trying to warn us about. Online terrorism could affect our infrastructure is a scary thought, but I always love how these articles act like “how-to guides.” If you were going to pollute our water supply here’s how and where it would be the most deadly.
Bruce Willis always let’s us know all about destruction. I saw Live Free or Die Hard. I know what happens. In the end, some bald guy is going to save the day, so I’m not really worried. Same thing happens in Armageddon, and I know Michael Bay would never exaggerate true events.
You’ve got to just love the media for always wanting to scare the living crap out of us. To see the Yahoo News article I’m ranting about, you can Click Here!
And… just for fun:
