Cancel the Oscars, Here’s “Battleship” the Movie
Sure adapting the classic board game Battleship for a movie seemed a little strange, but I gave it the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the movie would be a WWII naval extravaganza like Pearl Harbor (without sucking), or some Cold War ear Hunt For Red October with more explosions and less Alec Baldwin. Nope.
Now that some trailers are available it’s clear that “adapted’ is the wrong word, “mangled” is more accurate.
Judging a movie by the trailer is typically a bad idea, but this is clearly the proverbial exception. This dreck looks like someone dumped Battleship (the game) and Transformers 2 into a Blendtec Blender for a rousing game of “Will It Blend?” The answer is, yes, it will blend, but I wouldn’t recommend drinking it.
That trailer looks like it was yanked from Michael Bay’s porn collection.
I dub thee, Battleshit.
(Image via IMDB)
The Transformers 2 Test
“What is the ‘Transformers 2 Test?’”
I’m so glad you asked.
Have you ever received a movie recommendation from someone who’s taste is either unknown or questionable?
Of course you have.
When approached with a questionable movie recommendation, you need to have a quick and easy way to determine whether this person’s suggestion is worth the time it takes to look at the reviews, or put it on your Netflix cue. The solution is the “Transformers 2 Test.”
Image from HopeWhen Mag
All you have to do is ask the suggester, one simple question:
“What is your opinion on Michael Bay’s Transformers 2?”
If the suggester responds with anything short of, “Transformers 2 was terrible,” then don’t watch anything that he/she suggests.
Remember, there is no defense for Transformers 2. None.
Why Transformers 2, and not some other bad movie?
For this test to work, you need a movie that has the following traits:
- No coherent plot
- No substantive, believable, or remotely relatable characters
- Actors who are completely devoid of charisma
- It can’t be so bad it’s good/ funny
- Mainstream success on the level that a lot of people actually saw it
This excludes:
- Battlefield Earth because John Travolta and Forest Whitaker have charisma
- Gigli because no one saw it
- Commando/ Missing in Action/ Every other 80s action movie because they are so bad they are funny
And that’s why Transformers 2 is the test.
Ryan Reynolds Cast as the Green Lantern
Over the weekend, Ryan Reynolds was officially cast as Hal Jordan, the (greatest) Green Lantern.
I’ve got to say I am a little disappointed. I could see Reynolds as Deadpool (although he was horribly misused in the Wolverine movie). I accepted him in Blade Trinity even though he was kind of annoying. I was excited about the prospect of Reynolds playing the Flash; I could totally see him as Wally West… but now he is going to be Hal Jordan.
At least they look alike
I’m a little bummed out by this because I see it as a loss on two fronts.
- I don’t think he is right for the role of Hal Jordan. He’s not all wrong for the role, I just think there are better people for the job; Nathan Fillion comes to mind.
- I can say with confidence that Reynolds won’t be the Flash. There is no way DC & Warner Brothers will allow the man to play two flagship characters. That’s sad because he would be perfect for that role.
All-in-all, I’m a bit disappointed, but will reserve judgment until it debuts in 2011.
Better comic/ movie news:
Geek icon Natalie Portman will play Jane Foster in Thor (2011). Now that is a good casting call.
The bright side?
Neither of these movies will be as dreadful as Transformers 2.
