I’ve been gaming a long time, but some enemies are so damn annoying that decades later the thought of them raises ire.
10 – Hammer Brothers (Super Mario Bros.)
I despise everything about the Hammer Brothers. They look stupid, their name is too on-the-nose, and if you didn’t boldly dash at them and mess them up immediately, the would endlessly bombard you with hammers.
Where the hell were they holding all of those stupid hammers?
9 – Lou the Devil on Expert (Guitar Hero III)
The Guitar Hero series is packed with psychotically difficult challenges. The most notable one’s are Buckethead’s Jordan, DragonForce’s Through the Fire and Flames, and the Devil Went Down to Georgia battle with Lou the Devil (all on expert).
What set’s Lou apart from the other is that he is part of the main game. No matter how good I got at Guitar Hero, I still couldn’t best that bastard on expert. It’s one thing to have to play notes at blazing speeds. It’s a totally different situation to have to do it against a flawless note hitting machine while dealing with his attacks, and trying to time your own.
8 – Juggernaut (Spider-Man/ X-Men: Arcade’s Revenge)
Spider-Man/ X-Men: Arcade’s Revenge is a horrible game. It’s difficult across the board, but the battle with the Juggernaut stands out because the game gives the player absolutely no sign that your hits are actually inflicting damage. After years of failing to find a way to beat him, I finally learned from YouTube that you have to keep hitting him. Forever. Who knew?
What a terrible game.
7 – Speeder bikes (Battletoads)
The Battletoads are a masterpiece of difficulty that hits the crescendo when you hop on the speeder bikes.
I never beat the level, and I don’t know anyone who ever did it without cheating. When I was about 10 I decided that I would need to be a Jedi to win. So I quit and sold the game.
6 – Metal Gear Torture Bed (Metal Gear)
Solid Snake (I still can’t believe they named him that) wakes up bound to a metal bed by a mysterious sadist. The man then proceeds to electrocute Snake while interrogating him. It was all a little too kinky for a AAA video game title.
To resist said torture, the player had to repeatedly tap a button on the controller really fast. At the time I didn’t have the dexterity to do the task on my own… So I cheated by holding a vibrating back massager to the button. The irony of using a vibrator to get past this bizarrely sexual scene was completely lost on me at the time.
5 – Mike Tyson/ Mr. Dream (Punch-Out)
Mike Tyson was the boss of bosses. He would KO you in a single punch, and as soon as you thought you had his pattern down, he would stutter and throw you off.
I had friends who beat him. I never put in the effort.
4 – The Flood (Halo 1, 2 & 3)
The first half of each of the original three Halo games are great. As you battle the Covenant, you can use a ton of cool weapons, and tactics. The enemies vary, and the environments are beautiful.
Then someone releases the Flood, and you spend the second half of the games in dark dreary environments fighting swarms of alien zombies. Only a few weapons are really effective. The challenge might not kill you, but the repetitiveness will.
3 – Electric Seaweed (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989))
In 1989 Konami took a green dump and called it a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. Fans bought it because we didn’t know any better.
The only memorable part of the game was the worst stage in it. Possibly the worst stage ever constructed. The underwater dam level involved swimming through a ton of harmful obstacles to diffuse some bombs. If you didn’t do it quickly, the bombs went off. Everyone’s favorite obstacle was the life-draining electrified red seaweed.
Nothing in the level made sense, but it was hard.
2 – Red Falcon (Contra III: Alien Wars)
The final boss of Contra III is cruel and unusual. My brother and I could wreck every stage in the game without a problem, then read the Red Falcon and the thing would annihilate us with his stupid blue balls.
1 – Bigoted Asshole Teenagers (Any competitive online game)
As difficult and annoying as all of these nemeses are, none compare to the bigoted asshole teenagers trolling online gaming servers.
These squeaky-voiced schmucks have nothing but time on their hands, so they master their games of choice, then devastate casual gamers while taunting them with ethnic and gender slurs.
At least the Red Falcon and electric seaweed can’t talk.
I would be happy if gaming network operators finally ghettoized these schmucks based on IP address and get them out of casual play games.