Prequel, “Cabin in the Woods: Unicorn”

Contains spoilers to The Cabin in the Woods (2012), if you haven’t watch it go do it. It’s the best horror movie in decades.

Walking through Princeton, NJ with an old friend, we happened upon the window on the nifty toy store, JaZams. While JaZams is very kid-friendly, they screwed up a bit when the put this terrifying unicorn in the window.

The stuff of nightmares.
The stuff of nightmares.

This got me thinking… There should be a Cabin in the Woods prequel featuring everyone’s favorite murderous mare.

It would have to be a prequel… You know why.

The Pitch

We’ve got the plucky band of government bureaucrats: Bradley Whitford, Richard Jenkins, Amy Acker, even intern Tom Lenk. They are hellbent on saving the world by voyeuristically, and ceremonially murdering a bunch of attractive teens. Except this time the plan comes together.

Our teens go down into the basement and find a toy unicorn, summoning the magnificent horned beast. Maybe it has a creepy little girl companion (not featured in the previous film), but who can deny the positive impact of a creepy evil little girl on a horror plot? That’s right, you can’t.

Horror hijinks ensue. Lots of impaling; a touch of slashing; a bit of stabbing; a pinch of one-liners; and some goring.

Maybe they release it as a series of web-shots Dr. Horrible style (perhaps a Bad Horse cameo?). They can probably do it on a smaller budget since the sets and many of the effects were designed for the previous film.

I’m not saying that this is high-brow, but I trust Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon to come up with something violent, yet poignant. They already did it once.

That’s all I want for Christmas.

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